sojourns long silence - chapter 1

It was around 6.30pm at night so having a knock at the door wouldn't have been too unusual for any family on any suburban street in any city. When Sojourn heard the noise of a knock at the door a shudder went through her body and touched a part of her that some would refer to as her soul. Sometimes things happen and you really can't explain what that thing is in normal everyday terms, you have a supernatural or intuitive experience that connect with whatever it is thats bigger than you are out there in the expanse of our universe. Immediately, she knew that knock would bring devestation to her life and she felt afraid to answer the door but did reluctantly, staring at it for quite sometime before opening.



The policeman was kind. He offered to call someone if needed, he explained that her husband had not suffered before his death and that when she and the children were ready that could come to the hospital and spend as much time as they needed with him. Again. Sojourn had once lived with a terrible death in another life.



She had been a struggling single mum in public housing when her only daughter had died in front of her eyes in an accident in her home. Once again she could feel herself leaving her body and heading into outer space. An auto-pilot started up as soon as she floated into the Milky Way and she took care of all the matters at hand. "you sound so calm, are you alright?" "My brain is flooded with endorphins, its just chemicals keeping me calm".

Family and friends surrounded Sojourn and her sons. They wrapped around them so tight that nothing could get in or out, the devestation was suspended, almost like the pause button on a DVD and she clung to this pause for as long as the humans around her were able to continue wrapping them, but as she already knew from experience, life keeps ploughing on through second after second and though she wanted her life to pause for ever to avoid the terrible journey ahead others had to get on with theirs. Seeing this change coming, where she would soon be left alone to manage without her husband she made decision that would confound all who knew her. She decided to take a vow of silence for a year as a physical manifestation of how deeply she grieved for the loss of her beloved husband.



When her daughter had died she had lived with an insidious unquenchable grief that came in waves that felt like she was being physically held down on the bottom of the ocean floor, dying, in pain, desperate for a short reprieve; it would come finally, she would be dragged up to the surface like a ragdoll to catch one small breath then shoved down to the bottom once again. These waves came without any warning. Day or night they came, for months and months.



During this terrible grief she had made it to a supermarket buying food when her friends mother came up to her gave her a hug and said "you're doing so well" and walked off quickly without having to hear anything upsetting about what it really is like when your only child dies and your on your own. This tiny little moment in time had a profound impact on Sojourn. She was stunned that someone could make such a shallow statment and slip away like an eel, probably patting herself on the back for showing kindness to such a weary burdened woman. Sojourn had actually thanked her. She had always hated herself for that but understood that people are weak at times and forgave herself.



The grief would be just as severe, she knew this path ahead, but no-one would be allowed to say any bullshit comments this time. She knew her decision would divide her friends and family but she had to do this. She had to honour him and sacrifice something that made her who she was.



Sojourn was a skilled communicator. She would attend parties and meet everyone and know at least one personal story about them before she went home. She would have couples telling her how they met, how they came up with the name for their second child. Her whole childhood adults had confided in her and would say "you're so mature for your age". No-one could keep secrets from her and fortunately for her confessors, she was very faithful with these secrets, never telling another. To give up her ability to communicate verbally would sacrifice a big part of how she viewed herself and how her community saw her. This was how she would physically show her grief. There would be no carrying on as normal this time.



She told her sons. They were so young they couldnt possibly understand. She imagined they would survive her silence intact later reflecting on "that time you didn't talk" when they were older. Her last words to them before her year of silence were words of love and encouragement and explaining in the simplest terms why she was going to do what she would do. They were crushed with each day that came as it dragged them further away from when their dad was able to hold them and listen and be a presence in their everyday life. They were being held underwater by grief and suffering as much as she had. She would hold them in silence, in love through it all.



She sent cards to the people she loved most with her announcement. Then an email to all the people she knew. Funnily enough people rang immediately. Her years silence began.