(stream of conciousness) An ode to NC sort of

I watch my oldest fight sleep in the back seat to the strains of Nick Cave and my mind wanders back to that time in intensive care and I recall too many things at once I see all this stuff in my mind and I think "is this my fucking life experience, is this really in me" and I don't know why all that happened to me, why, where was the heavenly host, where was the chorus of angels singing in some unknown to mankind tongue to soothe a soul full to the brim of grief and why do I get the privilege to carry on, lucky lucky me, I get to go on without her, naturally I get no say in the matter, though of course anyone would understand but not everyone can do that, some of us have to fight through whatever is in our path no matter how awful, that's our lot in life, I just have a life force that's bigger than me and I have no explanation for that coz I sure as hell didn't get it from those idiot parents of mine....and he woke up angry and frustrated and demanding and I was finding it hard to wake up and then when I realised what was going on I didn't want to even lift my head off my pillow, why is he like that, I worry that its me, its my influence, its going to be tough because I have tried to change, really tried, I prayed out to God, I sought out ghosts, I fasted, I exercised, I gave up all the stuff I should never have started but it made no fucking difference to anything, my life just goes on and on and these things to steer me through barely drip over the sides, its like some fog you cant even feel it with your hands when you know that it is water vapour but its the best illusion isn't it...and they talked about head injuries over dinner, after they had just said grace of course, and not one of them noticed that I died when they were talking about that stuff, not one of them noticed me kick the table over with my fingers in my ears screaming at them to SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP, not one of them noticed, remembered, recalled my story, I walked away, politely of course because I was in a middle class home, sober, and then they never said a thing upon my return and they can all live with that because, PTL (praise the lord) God will sort out any of their fuckups because of the blood of Christ and it was Easter Saturday, resurrection day just around the corner, one more sleep, they don't need to explain anything, they can just point at a cross and smile...so nick caves latest offering has pushed my 2 off to sleep and I take the longest route I can home so I can savour every syllable that comes out of that mans mouth, and the music lifts my soul and I can feel things melting away to nothing, to vapour, and I listen to the story of songs and the clash of guitar and violin and think, once again, its time.....